Thursday, August 28, 2008

I admit it, I am

afraid of spiders

(In the Frog Queens English spider=monster)

Oh yes, big ones, small ones, black ones, green ones, hanging ones, crawling ones, plastic ones, invisible ones (you know, the one you know is crawling all over you because you just walked through a web?)

This the monsters/spider season in my garden. Lots of spiders, all different kinds, but mostly, they are light orangey with a bit of yellow when the sun hits them, kind of a goldenish orange.....to put it short - they match my hair color.

Stop laughing!

So, my special hell consists of my "invisible" spiders actually turning out to not being my hair blowing in the breeze, but a evil spider monster the size of a dime that wants to eat my brain! At least that must be what I am thinking of when I start screaming like a little girl. (Actually husband will tell you that I have a very distinct "spider scream")

I have arachnophobia, I admit it, there is no denying.

I actually had to sit down because I felt faint from a picture book of spiders. A few co-workers decided to check out a spider book - while I was standing next to them.

Do you know that for kids books they take pictures of spiders and magnify them a bazillion times? I could see the fangs, little hairs all over their bodies.....no one needs to see that. No one.

Then they go on to tell me that you are never more than 6 feet away from a spider at any given time. Great, go be mister know-it-all somewhere else, I have sharp objects at my desk.

Oh, and you eat so many spiders a year in your sleep......really? Are you this charming around everyone? Do you have any friends? Go away!

Because I hate spiders, I love this Phil Jupitus routine:

Category 1 - small teeny spider, up to about an inch. (big spider alert) Category 1 spider gets away - you can never use that room again!

Category 2 - bigger than an inch, and you can hear them walking (A LOT of screaming) Category 2 spider gets away - you have to sell the house.

Category 3 -you are unable to make any audible sound, and you are scared for life

Oh, and there is a giant, animated spider in my Halloween display. Freaks me out!

I don't want to be cured of my fear, because I bet it involves spiders. It is not the only irrational thing about me.

I recently saw Eddie Izzard and we seem to have a deep fear of spiders in common. I think my favorite thing he said all night was "if spiders could fly, we would have to leave the planet."

I hear ya buddy.

Blog Archive