on my steering wheel as I was driving home on Friday night. I thought (okay, let's say "hoped") that is was a small flying thing......anything...anything that had wings.....and not eight legs.
I do not need my glasses to drive, but I do to read....so sometimes the small details in front of me are hard to see.
Small details like what the *&%$! that is now on my steering wheel?!?
No, it could not be....really, maybe the wings just look like legs?
No, no denying it....those are legs....eight of them. (my vision goes back to 20/20 when there is a spider in the area)
It is a *&%^#$@# SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Must not faint....must not faint......must....get it the hell off my steering wheel.
....without crashing the car.....that would be a good idea.
Can we pull over.....no, I am in the fast lane.
It is friday night, I had to work late all week.....I just wanted to get home so me and my car/rocket ship are in the fast lane speeding home a bit over the speed limint......just a bit ;)
I have heard stories about how car accidents could be caused by spiders.
I understand that now....completely.
I am sure it was just seconds, but it seemed like a life time before I got my wits about me to come up with a plan.
And I only had one shot.
While keeping one hand on the wheel.....we have to bat the spider off the steering wheel.
We only have one shot at this, if I mess it up....he could land on my lap.
Just as the screaming in my head started again, I did it.
I swatted the spider. (See I am making progress - I actually "touched" a spider.)
In extra slow motion it flies through the car and lands on the dash board.
Not great I was hoping it would disappear into another dimenion.
But the dash board will have to do.
Just to let you know.....I am a fairly responsible driver....by this time I am in the far right lane planning to pull over before I kill anyone - I am thoughtful, I do not want to ruin anyones weekend.
I then notice that it is really flat and not moving. Woohoo! I have magical spider killing powers!!!
I am happy and sad.....sad, because as much as I hate spiders, I hate killing animals...even bugs and spiders (except slugs....all bets are off with them) but I am partly happy that I will not have to deal with it and can continue home without having to pull over and spend 20 minutes chasing a spider around my car!
Crisis diverted! It is going to be a good weekend!
Woohooooooo!
ooooh, no.....it just moved.
Not dead. Not good.
It is climbing up a web it must have made earlier from the dashboard. (lovely.)
I try to watch him crawl around and watch the road...doing neither one very well.
He climbs from the mirror to the windshield....now he could go two ways at this point - prefered would be towards the passenger side of the car.....away from me.
I am trying to use my mind to will him that direction....unsuccessfully as expected.
He heads towards me. He is once again hanging directly in front of my face....ready to drop down on the steering wheel again.
This really cannot be happening.
At this point....something snapped in my head. I had to get him away from me before I crashed my car.....
....no way was I going to try to bat him again. No sirree - courage is now all gone! My spider touching days are over!
So I reach in my purse and pull out a small lint brush and without hesitating I hit the spider towards the passenger side and throw the link brush after it.
I did all this without crashing the car.
I would have been more impressed if I had not been in shock.
I drove the rest of the way home in silence, I turned off the radio.....I wanted to hear him coming as he crawled back to finish the job :D
I got home and told husband. Without missing a beat he says "We have to go car shoppimg this weekend don't we?"
"Yes, yes we do." :)
I do not need my glasses to drive, but I do to read....so sometimes the small details in front of me are hard to see.
Small details like what the *&%$! that is now on my steering wheel?!?
No, it could not be....really, maybe the wings just look like legs?
No, no denying it....those are legs....eight of them. (my vision goes back to 20/20 when there is a spider in the area)
It is a *&%^#$@# SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....without crashing the car.....that would be a good idea.
Can we pull over.....no, I am in the fast lane.
It is friday night, I had to work late all week.....I just wanted to get home so me and my car/rocket ship are in the fast lane speeding home a bit over the speed limint......just a bit ;)
I have heard stories about how car accidents could be caused by spiders.
I understand that now....completely.
I am sure it was just seconds, but it seemed like a life time before I got my wits about me to come up with a plan.
And I only had one shot.
While keeping one hand on the wheel.....we have to bat the spider off the steering wheel.
We only have one shot at this, if I mess it up....he could land on my lap.
Just as the screaming in my head started again, I did it.
I swatted the spider. (See I am making progress - I actually "touched" a spider.)
In extra slow motion it flies through the car and lands on the dash board.
Not great I was hoping it would disappear into another dimenion.
But the dash board will have to do.
Just to let you know.....I am a fairly responsible driver....by this time I am in the far right lane planning to pull over before I kill anyone - I am thoughtful, I do not want to ruin anyones weekend.
I then notice that it is really flat and not moving. Woohoo! I have magical spider killing powers!!!
I am happy and sad.....sad, because as much as I hate spiders, I hate killing animals...even bugs and spiders (except slugs....all bets are off with them) but I am partly happy that I will not have to deal with it and can continue home without having to pull over and spend 20 minutes chasing a spider around my car!
Crisis diverted! It is going to be a good weekend!
Woohooooooo!
ooooh, no.....it just moved.
Not dead. Not good.
It is climbing up a web it must have made earlier from the dashboard. (lovely.)
I try to watch him crawl around and watch the road...doing neither one very well.
He climbs from the mirror to the windshield....now he could go two ways at this point - prefered would be towards the passenger side of the car.....away from me.
I am trying to use my mind to will him that direction....unsuccessfully as expected.
He heads towards me. He is once again hanging directly in front of my face....ready to drop down on the steering wheel again.
This really cannot be happening.
At this point....something snapped in my head. I had to get him away from me before I crashed my car.....
....no way was I going to try to bat him again. No sirree - courage is now all gone! My spider touching days are over!
So I reach in my purse and pull out a small lint brush and without hesitating I hit the spider towards the passenger side and throw the link brush after it.
I did all this without crashing the car.
I would have been more impressed if I had not been in shock.
I drove the rest of the way home in silence, I turned off the radio.....I wanted to hear him coming as he crawled back to finish the job :D
I got home and told husband. Without missing a beat he says "We have to go car shoppimg this weekend don't we?"
"Yes, yes we do." :)
Oh Em Gee, that was the best laugh I have had all day - a good fully belly laugh it was. You light up my day :) Wish I could have seen it all in person though, I would have been in stitches. Oh and Jeff's response? Priceless. :D
ReplyDeleteHerman? Please tell me you didn't kill Herman!! He was just stopping by to say tell you how much he likes the Davis Graveyard... ;)
ReplyDeleteUsed to have a spider who - every night - would weave a web across base of the apartment staircase. Every night, I would come home and get a face full of webbing. Every night, I would grin and bear it (don't like killing them). So, one night I was trying to brush him off and the little sucker bit me! Let's just say his life was short and frustrating.
Spiders are responsible for 56 percent of all car accidents....
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, did you know that 82 percent of all statistics are completely made up on the spot???
--That's my little joke....
That was too damn funny! Especially when it mounted its second attack. Glad you survived the ordeal.
ReplyDeleteHowever, even though you think you managed to drive straight, I suspect you were actually swerving all over the road trying to stop the menace. I've pulled over more than a few cars I suspected were drunk drivers only to find they were fending off an ambush from an insect or bee.
Rich
No mere spider can defeat the Frog Queen! You can do anything now. You have faced THE SPIDER and emerged triumphant.
ReplyDeleteA wasp once caused me to spin off into a ditch. Bugs are dangerous things in a car.
ReplyDeleteOkay... So, next on my list - lifesaving device for Ms. Chris, a miniature car charging version of "BUGSCALIBER".
ReplyDeleteA portable bug catching vacuum for those on the go, small enough to fit in a purse yet big enough to tackle a Category 3 spider.
I'm on it.
Never underestimate the power of a woman with a lint brush who is on a mission!
ReplyDeleteGlad you were victorious! I must remember your techniques the next time a wasp flies into my car. :D
ReplyDeleteSo....he's still in there, isn't he??? He's probably hot-wiring your car and taking it for a joyride as we speak!
ReplyDeleteThis was great. I totally needed a laugh this morning :) Thanks for that! I bet he is busy somewhere plotting with my house centipede.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone.
ReplyDeletemumblyjoe - I had a feeling he was one of your friends :D
Ghoulish Cop - I am sure you are right. I was driving through a particularly heavily patrolled part of Vancouver - really surprised that I did not get pulled over :D
And .... hot-wiring my car...gotta go check the parking lot!!! I hope he is off making friends with a centipeded