Thursday, May 19, 2011

The word "zombie" is mentioned

several times....so I am going to count this as a Halloweenish post.

Here are some "Tips for the Rapture"

For those of you who have been living under a tombstone....the world is ending on Saturday :D


• rapture tip #1. Do not drink any Kool-Aid if you did not prepare it yourself.
• rapture tip #2. Disregard any “rapture” churches which ask you to agree to yearly contributions or have pamphlets detailing summer events.
• rapture tip #3. When spaceships begin to appear in the sky, do not flee to L.A. Tom Cruise and Will Smith are actors and cannot help you.
• rapture tip #4. If you feel inclined to give away your worldly possessions ... please contact me, I can definitely help you with that.
• rapture tip #5. Do not approach zombies even if you know them. That is not your Aunt Edna and she doesn’t want a hug ... she wants your brains.
• rapture tip #6. Protocol is to run screaming into the streets and get hit by cars. This is post-rapture population control for the rest of us.
• rapture tip #7. Post-apocalyptic concert will be held at Sazerac in Asheville. Bouncers will be stopping zombies at the door. Please bring your pulse.
• rapture tip #8. Concert is free, but you must know all lyrics to REM’s “End of the World.” Just shouting “Leonard Bernstein” is not acceptable.
• rapture tip #9 Rosanne Cash will be headlining our concert. : ) All reports that Elvis will be performing are false ... at this time.
• rapture tip #10. Mark Wahlberg may make an appearance with The Funky Bunch if we can ascertain that hell has indeed frozen by concert time.
• rapture tip #11. Once again ... DO NOT DRINK ANY KOOL-AID YOU HAVE NOT PREPARED YOURSELF. And also avoid the brown acid. Dude, seriously.
• rapture tip #12. Do not listen to any “preachers” who insist god is talking directly to them. God only talks to me ... and Steve Martin.
• rapture tip #13. To fully prepare yourself for life without power, gas or computers, please obtain a copy of The Amish Guide to Living.
• rapture tip #14. Please note The Amish Guide to Living is not available for the Kindle or Sony Reader. It is only compatible with the Nook.
• rapture tip #15. It is not acceptable to enslave an Amish person post-rapture, any more than it is acceptable to own a Canadian.
• rapture tip #16. U.S. currency and electronic devices will not be useful post-rapture. keep this in mind when writing out your “to-loot” list.
• rapture tip #17. Not everyone is aware U.S. currency will be worthless. Keep this in mind when directing others to the “best looting places.”
• rapture tip #18. Please form orderly lines when setting riot bonfires. Matches will be a rarity in a few months. Let’s try to conserve them.
• rapture tip #19. If you find yourself in a building during the Apocalypse, exits will be located ... pretty much everywhere.
• rapture tip #20. Now is the time to buy stock in Kool-Aid, just make sure you cash out and purchase livestock on May 20 or you’re screwed.
• rapture tip 21. Bunkers should not be made of biodegradable materials. People, this is not the time to go green.
• rapture tip 22. Make sure to have marshmallows on hand. When the world explodes it’s going to be one hell of a fire.
• rapture tip 23. Repeat after me, “Screw you, Grandma, you’re not getting into my bunker without your own provisions.”
• rapture tip 24. Forget the golden rule. The rapture means never having to say you’re sorry.
• rapture tip 25. For heaven’s sake bring extra can openers into your bunker.
• rapture tip 26. Do not approach Paul McCartney or Elvis ... we have still not determined if either are alive or will be returning as zombies.
• rapture tip 27. When looting don’t forget Burgess Meredith in Twilight Zone ... steal extra pairs of glasses.
• rapture tip 28. Gather up as many pets as possible to keep in your bunker. 2 feet good, 4 feet bad.
• rapture tip 29. Remember, that which does not kill you must make you stronger than your neighbor, unless you have firearms.
• rapture tip 30. Essential bunker reference materials: The Lord of the FliesAnarchist’s Cookbookand The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
• rapture tip 31. If you forget everything else, remember ... soylent green is people.
• rapture tip 32. The old adage is true ... you don’t have to run fast, just faster than the guy who was ahead of you.
• rapture tip 33. It is perfectly acceptable to scream like a little girl when approached by a gang of zombies. It isn’t helpful, but it is acceptable.
• rapture tip 34. Sacrificing virgins is a pagan ritual, this particular god won’t be swayed by a screaming, bikini-clad co-ed.
• rapture tip 35. Watching the “Thriller” video is not zombie research just as watching “E.T.” will not prepare you for dealing with our alien overlords.
• rapture tip 36. Eternity is a hell of a long time ... bring playing cards and condoms.
• rapture tip 37. Do not kill other people when looting and rioting this will only increase the zombie population.
• rapture tip 38. People, please remember, DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID!
• rapture tip 39. Do not get into a handbasket unless you are confident you are ready to go to hell.
• rapture tip 40. If you are “taken” on Saturday, it is considered uncouth to shout “I told you so” to those left behind.
• rapture tip 41. The “left behind” movie series is not factually accurate. do not take orders from kirk cameron.
• rapture tip 42. If you find yourself face to face with a group of zombies, do not yell “eat me” ... they don’t understand sarcasm.
• rapture tip 43. All our handbaskets are eco-friendly and will explode at the shores of the River Styx. Please exit quickly.
• rapture tip 44. Truism: that which does not kill you won’t really matter after Saturday.
• rapture tip 45. Please keep hands and feet in the handbasket until we reach hell ... oh, never mind.
• rapture tip 46. Please refrain from smoking while in the handbasket ... unless you are on fire.
• rapture tip 47. There is no food allowed in the handbaskets, so please do not share your basket with a zombie.
• rapture tip 48. Raid will not kill the swarms of locusts, although recent testing indicates that Axe Body Spray will disintegrate them.
• rapture tip 49. Your best chance of survival is the buddy system. Please, if you become a zombie, do not eat your buddy.
• rapture tip 50. If you do not own firearms, make sure to locate a god-fearing neighbor who does.
• rapture tip 51. Do not feed the stallions which are carrying the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. You don’t want to piss off death.
• rapture tip 52. On Oct. 21 the world will explode. Do not bend over and kiss your ass good-bye ... it just looks stupid.
• rapture tip 53. Everybody, say it with me ... DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL-AID! : )

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