No way that cannot be two spiders

hanging off my arm?

I am sitting here trying to think how I can type something that will come remotely close to the sound of the screaming that was going on in my head at that moment.

Nope.....got nothing.

Trust me, in my head it was so loud I am deaf now.

Welcome my blog friends to another Frog Queen spider story....you are welcome.

This journey is going to be long....so grab a bottle of rum and join the frog queen in her throne room while she tells you a new horror story........

When I was smaller - both in age and definitely in size.  We bought an old house.  Cool old farm house, run down as shit....but as a kid you are more inclined to see the possibilities rather than the real picture.

And trust me, my "possibility" version did not have spiders in it.

I was thinking this might be where I learned to hate spiders.....but, no, there is an older story....I will tell it to you someday....if you are nice, and I can get some therapy.

No, today we are talking the old house on Esplanade....in a shit-hole town called San Jacinto......for those of you who have been there, or know of it....thank you for your condolences....they are much appreciated.

I affectionately called it "hell".  Because I am almost certain it was/is.

While in Hell, we  were cleaning an old barn"ish" building.....I would remember more about this story if it was not for this one memory of leaning up against a post in the garage and then seeing something in my hair moving.

I was too young to immediately understand how much actual danger I was in.

(I mean, I was living in hell....how much worse could it be?)

Well, the moving....which was quite fast and happening on both sides of my head, was, in fact, a bunch of baby spiders.....

Yeah, give me a moment here.........

....I am not sure how many baby spiders there are in a new nest....but I would guess, around a billion.

....maybe two....billion.

Too fucking many that is the real answer.

So imagine too fucking many spiders crawling on my head.

Actually don't, it happened to me and I have never recovered....so take it from me.

It is a very, very, very, very, very, very bad experience.

It changed my life......

I think I burned the clothes I was wearing......and shaved my head......no, I did not shave my head.  But in retrospect....should have shaved my head.

.....and then I should have burned that barn"ish" building to the ground.

So today, when two tiny...actually I was not wearing my glasses and I could see them, so they were in fact not so tiny, spiders were hanging from my arm.

I freaked the fuck out.....of course.


There might have only been the two.......but I am not taking any chances.

and...I went straight into the shower, clothes on and turned the hot water on full blast to make spider/shampoo soup.

......now that I am sitting here typing I realize that I did not spend much time outside today.....so those spiders likely came from inside the house.

OMFG!

(Oh fuck....does anyone remember that Night Gallery episode with the spider that she washed down the sink and it came back bigger each time?! - What have I done!!!!????)

If I am dead in the morning.....you will all know why.

They got it right

the second time.

The started selling this "Unicorn Horn"....designed by someone who did not actually own a cat.

My logic:

Unicorns, pure animals and goodness and light and rainbows and shit.

Cats, let's just say.....practically the opposite.



This was idea needed to go back to the drawing board.

I am right, it appears that someone who has spent more than an afternoon with at least one of these furry demons got it right.

"Evil Unicorn Horn"

Brilliant.

Not so sure about the "cats love it" claim.....just shows that they never really tried the idea and that picture is likely all Photoshop.  Either to add the horn, or clear up the splatters of human blood that likely to make this happen.

I did not read the fine print....but if these were made by real cat owners, there would be spare bandages in every box.