Friday, October 2, 2015

I swear I heard it say.....

"Look everyone!  I caught a human!" I walked into a web, crafted by a demon spider to catch me.

In an instant I think....'Really, we just put this abbey up a few days ago....where did the spider find the time to make something this evil. M*ther F**king spiders!!!!!!

Here is the slow mo version.

You know that moment when you walk through a spider web, you catch a spider out of the corner of you eye and, well; it is just downhill from there.

You know there is a spider crawling on you right now.

Yep, saw it out of the corner of my eye, it was hanging off my hair and moving up my head fast.  The speed, that is why I hate them sooooo much.

I learned matter how fast I move my hands.

Spiders are faster.


So now, I do what any normal person would do,......I scream, my head I think I am channeling Jamie Lee Curtis and pulling off an epic horror film scream.....but my ears say, "no bitch, that was some stupid, crazy woman who just walked into a spiderweb scream - you are going to be so embarrassed when the neighbors or police show up....just saying you might want to tone it down a bit....."

And like an idiot, with a spider in her hair,

....who I imagine is crawling around doing a 'happy dance'...cause "not only, did a catch a human, I made her look like a fool! Score one for the spiders!!!!"  

I do my best attempt to contain some kind of dignity.....  

I tone it down a bit....fear level, still at eleven, scream volume more around I mange this much control at that moment escapes me.

Now, for some reason my brain tells my while you are should notice that your arms are flailing and it would be wise to:

"GET THE F AWAY from the abbey before you knock the whole thing over! (Onto the poor rose bush AGAIN....okay, that is just an inside joke.....remind me to share that with you someday.)

I manged to do this, without killing myself or the abbey. How will forever be a mystery....or if husband plays back the security cameras.  That could make for a very amusing YouTube video......

My brain reminds me, in case you have forgotten (I know there is a lot going on at the I will cut you some slack).....but really, remember......
...there is a SPIDER in your hair! (Very loud alarms are going off in my head!!!)

Okay, sadly not the first spider in my hair......hopefully the last, but I am sure that is being overly optimistic....

What do you do, when you are me, and you are 100% sure there is a spider on you.

..... brush and brush and brush and brush your hair with your hands.....frantically....but every so carefully....because you want to remove the spider without touching it.

Yeah, I know there is 0% logic in that....I knew it then, I know it now....either way, for me at the time, the concept is lost.

The best way I can explain it to you is.......imagine being on fire.....yep, cazy red head ran into the shop, I proceeded to put my whole head under the shop sinks (if you have seen the shop sink....last place you want to do that) and try to rinse the spider away.

Another stupid idea .,..... because I do not find spider in the sink.

Where the heck is that eight legged demon!!!!

So, next step, my brain asks my body a simple question, expecting a simple 'yes', as the answer.

"So, can we get our clothes off.....and get to the house without anyone seeing us.  Because, that is the next plan is; don't ask me, I got nothing else.  This is what is going to happen."

The answer is....."Hell no!  The yard is up you crazy woman......there are likely people out looking at the yard.! The scariest thing they could imagine is seeing is you in your underwear running into the house, and a lot of them have cameras and video.  No one needs to see that.....for the love of all that is good woman, DO NOT!......."

Apparently 'body' could care less, so now....Shirt comes off, thrown to the I am taking off my trousers, guess what comes crawling out of my shirt?

A wet, confused and very unhappy demon spider with glowing red eyes and holding the necronomicon - he then proceeds to uses his super power to disappear into nowhere, FAST!

Next thought....where are the matches and the acetone....... and is my insurance paid up?

At that point....I sit on the stairs in the shop......thinking, there is a bar up there, I need a shot and a therapist, a really good exterminator or a nuclear bomb.

Just in case you all wondering if the Frog Queen still hates spiders....I think I just answered that....and Crap! And now......I am out or rum and wine. 

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