Wednesday, September 15, 2010

He says, "well wait, what constitues a category 3..."

.... spider?"

In my mind there is screaming and I am thinking "OMG, please be kidding, please be kidding!!!"

Then I watch husband hold up his hand and say "When the legs would stick out of your hands if you held it in your hand....about 4 inch legs."

Dan says "Okay, then it is just a category 2."

I feel like I am in a nightmare. 

I mean I always kid about how much I love the Phil Jupitus routine about spiders, but I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be having this conversation in real life. 

This is really not happening to me.


So, we are at the haunt build working on a soda machine in the cafeteria room...making it look like all the soda, which must have been radioactive (that is why it is green and yellow and bubbly) oozed out all the sides. 

BTW - Great Stuff is not your friend :)  Okay, not my friend.

Anyway, Dawn opens it up to attach the skeleton arm to where the cans come out and says something about seeing the biggest spider right by her face.

At this point I have jumped over the wall and into another room in the haunt.  "I am outta here!  Everyone have fun finishing up, I will call Guy to replace me...see ya!"

From where I am standing I look over and see Dan opening the machine, while Dawn points to the location...and says "Wow" That is a category 2 spider!"

"Or it could be category 3......well wait", Dan looks at husband and asks, "what constitutes a category 3........"

As Dan and husband clarify spider size by husband holding up his hand and saying that "if you had it in your hand the legs would stick out through your fingers."  He states that too 'matter of fact' for my liking.  At that point they decide that the spider in question is only a category 2.......

........yeah guys, that made me feel sooooo much better.  I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.....even though I was physically standing there with my jaw on the floor, I felt myself leave my body as my spirit went running down the hall, screaming!!

As far as I know, the spider is still in there.  So no matter how cool the other rooms are....that one is by far the scariest room in the haunt.


  1. Yeah, I wasn't too thrilled about that one either...and normally spiders don't bug me, but he looked a little ticked about having his slumber disturbed!

  2. I love your Coke machine! And thanks for the yuks. That was really funny; categorizing spiders like their hurricanes. LOL!

  3. Radioactive soda?
    I'll take one, please.

  4. Admittedly, I only "mostly" got over my fear of spiders when becoming a father... I felt that my son would be unable to respect the man that can ground him if he saw me doing my "Holy shit a spider" dance. One of my last spider freak out moments came when attempting to kill a spider on a set of mini-blinds (bad idea #1). Many many moons ago in a faraway place I awoke at 2am, to a spider the size of Cleaveland crawling up the mini-blinds directly over my side of the bed. Knowing the repercussions of waking my wife to deal with this metropolitan-sized menace was most likely the only reason I decided to try and handle this task myself. Using a huge wad of toilet paper I stood on the bed and attempted to "grab" said city-sized spider to give it a proper flushable burial at sea (bad idea #2). I held my breath, closed my eyes and shot my TP armoured hand out at the mini-blinds... (insert huge racket of mini-blinds being slapped)... When I opened my eyes, the spider was gone. The next several events all occured in such quick sucsession that any logical thought simply could not process fast enough to keep them from happening. I slowly opened the wad of toilet paper in my hand to confirm the capture of the eight-legged death dealer... I only needed to see a microscopic piece of evidence that the spider was indeed in my hand, and away it would go swimming down the sewers. But as I opened the was further and further it became clear I had not capture the spider. A lightening fast look about my person and immediate surroundings gave no clue as to this monsters location...
    Then it happened, right across my left foot I felt the skitter of eight legs from pinky toe to big toe. While standing on the bed, inches from my sleeping wife, I actually screamed "Eeeek" in a high pitched little girls voice and did a high knee running in place maneuver that would make an Olympic sprinter jealous. Elyssa jumped out of bed with an immediate "What, what, what's wrong?!?" I could not actually speak between the hyperventilating and my brain processing 10000 times faster than my body could respond. I had to pantomime "huge fucking spider touched me" as best as possible, while trying to also convey "It's still alive, on our bed, and is most likely going to attack any second... please please please find it and kill it!!! Nownownow!"

    I recognized later that I may have over-reacted a bit (not really). That's when I decided I could not be afraid of spiders anymore... it's not an admirable "Dad" trait. So, somehow I got over it, mostly... and it seems my wife, the previous big game hunter when it came to spiders, is now the arachniphobe.

  5. ...I do love that story :)

    So I have to have kids to get over my fear of spiders?

    That is just not going to happen :D



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